Written by: David Koepp, Christopher McQuarrie, and Dylan Kussman,
Directed by: Alex Kurtzman
Starring: Tom Cruise, Anabelle Wallis, Russell Crowe, Jack Johnson
What. The. F. What the serious f.
This is not horror. This is some form of absurd pop horror made for a generation which wants to live in ‘safe spaces’ eating cotton candy, riding unicorns, and needs the WhatsApp gun emoji replaced by a water pistol to feel safe.
F you, Hollywood, bunch of frigging cry-baby pansies.
Okay, okay, I am breathing again, just had to get it out of my system. It’s just that what you love can hurt you the most; I love horror and to have it mangled into this ridiculous travesty wrenches at my poor un-terrified heart.
The Mummy has Tom Cruise playing Nick Morton, an opportunistic Army Reconnaissance specialist stationed in Iraq who fights ISIS and pillages antiquities, with the former being incidental. He and his partner, Chris Vail (Jake Johnson) accidentally uncover the ancient underground prison (not tomb, that’s important) of Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella), an Egyptian princess whose name has been wiped from history.
Ahmanet had made a pact with Set, their god of Death, and committed patricide, regicide, step-matricide and various other -cides. Unfortunately (for her), she was thwarted before she could complete the ritual with the sacrifice of a suitably dashing example of masculinity and was mummified alive.
Now free of her supernatural chains, Ahmanet intends to finish what she started all those millennia ago. Somehow, 54-year-old (I know, right! Had to double-check myself) Tom Cruise is the only man she wants for the job in today’s world.
Jennifer Halsey (Annabelle Wallis) is an archaeologist and a member of a mysterious organization that hunts evil across the globe. The wholly unnecessary – save to prop up the Dark Universe – Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde character played by Russell Crowe rounds up the main cast.
For a 2017 movie, some of the CGI scenes in this incarnation of The Mummy lack the depth and realism of what we have come to expect from a summer blockbuster. Others seem to have been forcibly tacked on to the script simply to remind us that they used CGI.
But The Mummy’s greatest failing is its bizarre desire to instill equal parts of comedy and horror in a horror movie. (Believe me, the ‘comedy’ ain’t nothing special either.) The eye-rolling awful schtick of Jake Johnson’s character grates when he’s alive and is just plain stupid spewing from a zombie’s lips.
Have we really come to the point where we need a sidekick making wise cracks even after he has risen as an Undead entity? It’s almost like the people making this film got so scared that they needed to infuse little bits of comedy into their day to be able to sleep at night.
There was real potential here and the trailers, as they so often do, showcased the best of it. Sadly, the finished product is a tragedy incapable of producing a single real scare in its 100 minutes.
I actually liked Universal’s first foray into the Dark Universe with 2014’s Dracula Untold but this chapter is a complete dud.
F you, Hollywood. Oh yeah, and f you, WhatsApp.